Ad Choices is Not My Choice

   I was looking up lawn care products online, especially weed killers because I’m overrun with dandelions. I cut them down but they pop right back up and get twice as big before I can get the lawn mower back into the shed. Someone asked me why I don’t use this yellow bonanza to make dandelion wine. Because I just don’t have the space for thousands of gallons of the stuff, that’s why. That’s how many dandelions I have. Apparently the pre-emergent I put down in March didn’t work. Or maybe it did and these are just the survivors, their headless stems rising in mockery of me and my lawn mower. Either way, we have a serious weed problem at the old homestead and I was looking for a solution.

   Several websites I clicked on had the words “weed killers” in green with two underlines and a square that had an arrow pointing to its upper right corner. Thinking I was going to get some deeper insight into the process of eradicating lawn pests, I clicked one of them. All that got me was a link to an ad. This particular ad let me know that Amtrak has wider seats. Every one of the “weed killer” links led me to the same thing. When you’re knee-deep in dandelions twenty minutes after cutting the grass, your last concern is how wide the seats are on a train.

      These intrusions, called AdChoices, are placed by an outfit called Vibrant Media. In conjunction with Google, they “…provide you with a more relevant online experience. Vibrant may deliver ads aligned with your current interests. Your interests are identified by words displayed on web pages you visit and/or by the webpages you have recently visited, along with the ads that you have viewed and clicked on.” At least that’s what their website says. Please explain to me, Vibrant Media, how the width of the seats on a train going anywhere is relevant to keeping my lawn weed free.

   Wait. Wider seats? Are they telling me my ass is fat? How would they know? I haven’t looked at any websites that show you how to shrink your ass. I haven’t searched “ass shrinking” on Google either. Honest. Maybe they have some kind of sensor in my desk chair. I wonder if they know about the size of any of my other body parts. Moving on.

   Delving further into the Vibrant Media website I learned that these intrusions into my surfing experience can be disabled by the use of “cookie technology.” (What happened to the days when cookies weren’t technology?) Yes, the good folks at Vibrant Media will leave me alone if I put their cookies on my computer. This is a company that spies on my internet activities to place so-called “relevant” advertising as roadblocks on the information superhighway. And they want me install their spyware on my computer?

   I have a better idea. I won’t click on their AdChoices anymore. That’s my choice. And if I choose to do a search on “ass shrinking,” it’s my business, not theirs. 

My latest book is now available. https://www.createspace.com/5297249

Illinois Honesty

   For the first time since I was thirteen, I found myself unemployed. It was time to reap the benefits of years and years of payroll deductions.

   Signing up was easy. Everything was done online and the questions were as straightforward as they could be. The only problem was figuring how many days and weeks I’d worked for my last employer. I’d been there 42 years.

   My application was approved in short order and soon I knew my benefits. They certainly weren’t as much as I’d been making during my working years but more than I was making at the time. All I had to do was certify every other Tuesday.

   The first certification day came but the online process didn’t go well. The entire Illinois Department of Unemployment Security (IDES) website was down and stayed down most of the morning. Eventually, I was able to log on and that’s when the trouble started.

   Most of the questions were easy but the one that put me in a moral quandary asked if I’d looked for work. My first thought was to say yes but that would be a lie. I had an old building to clean out and there was no time to look for work. I opted to tell the truth and clicked the “NO” button. Surely they’d understand. Three days later I got a letter from IDES saying they rejected my certification because I wasn’t actively seeking work. Apparently, they didn’t understand.

   The letter went on to say that I should call a certain phone number at 2 p.m. the following Tuesday and tell them why I wasn’t looking for work. Surely they’d understand when I explained my circumstances. I called at the appointed time and listened to a 4½ -minute recorded message explaining the processes I’d already gone through, only to be told all operators were busy and to try later. Then the line went dead. I called again and again with the same result. Calling early in the morning and late in the afternoon didn’t matter. I listened to the same message over and over until the line went dead yet again. Yes, I can repeat the same message verbatim.

   The letter also said I had to call by a certain date after which there would be no recourse. I tried several times that day but still everyone was busy. Yeah, they were busy ignoring me. Finally, I called a different department and asked if they could help. “Sure”, the nice lady said, “I can help you with that.”

   When I explained my situation, she said she couldn’t help me because I wasn’t actively seeking work. Only those actively looking for employment are eligible for payments.

   “I was only trying to be honest,” I said dejectedly.

   “I know.” she replied, “If only you’d said you had made a mistake and hit the wrong button, I could get your payment out right away. That’s what lots of people do.”

   Wait. What was she trying to tell me? If I tell her it was a mistake will she catch me in a lie and permanently deny my claims? Was she coaching me on what to do? I had nothing to lose.

   Tentatively, I said, “Okaaaaay, I made a mistake and hit the wrong button.”

   “You’ll have your payment Wednesday,” she replied.

   The moral of the story:  Honesty is the best policy, except in Illinois.