A Knotty Question

   What’s up with shoelaces these days? The last couple of pairs of shoes I’ve bought had laces that were way too long, almost to the point of being unsafe.
   The laces on my running shoes were 48 inches per shoe. No amount of knotting, double-, or even triple-knotting would keep the loops from dragging on the ground. If I made the loops smaller, the aglets dragged. (That’s what those things on the ends of shoelaces are called. Look it up.) For full disclosure, I am not a runner; this particular pair of shoes was on sale–my top priority. That they looked and felt good was just icing on the cake. I replaced the 48-inch laces with 33-inchers and could have gone with 30-inchers. Just what was I supposed to do with the extra 15 inches of lace anyway? Don’t answer that.
   You would think in this tough economy that shoe manufacturers would look for ways to cut back wherever they can. A million pairs of shoes with an extra thirty inches of lace per pair adds up to almost 475 miles of unnecessary material. That’s a sizable dent in the old bottom line.
   I’ll wait while you get out your calculator and check my math. Satisfied? Let’s move on.
   I wear work boots on the job. This is not because I labor in some manly trade where heavy-duty footwear is a necessity. My ankles are shot from years of standing on concrete floors and they need the support. The laces on my last pair were dangerously long even when wrapped around the back of the boot, twice. I think they measured 72 inches. After nine years with shorter laces, my trusty boots have finally given up the ghost. They still look great on the outside but the inside support and padding is shot and they’re painful to wear.
   Today I was in Target picking up something for the missus and took a look at replacement boots. I found some that were being discontinued and were half price. Bingo! I tried on a pair and walked around like a prisoner in leg irons with the elastic string that keeps them together still attached.That was in case I didn’t like them. I loved them. They look good, fit right, and they make my feet feel like I have slippers on. Did I mention they were on sale?
   If you think you’ve guessed the problem, you’re wrong. These laces are too short. Doesn’t anybody measure these things? They’re fine if I don’t lace them up to the top hook but suppose I wanted to. Not only that, they weren’t even laced equally. There were at least six inches more on one side than the other. Whatever happened to quality control?
   That’s it! In the future all my footwear will be slip-ons or have Velcro fasteners.