Real Hope for the Cubs

   Long-suffering Cubs fans, there is a chance. Not Frank Chance, the only manager of 60 in team history, including their time as the White Stockings, to lead the Northsiders to a World Series title. This is a real chance they could win it all again, and soon. I have figured out the secret to grabbing the brass ring in Chicago sports. It’s simple, elegant, and as plain as the nose on your face.

   In the last thirty years our four other major sports teams have brought a combined ten championships to the Windy City and their head coaches have all had one thing in common.

The Winners

   Fiery, take-no-prisoners Mike Ditka led the Bears to their one and only Super Bowl win in 1986 and became a Chicago legend.

   In the nineties Phil Jackson led Michael Jordan and the Bulls to six NBA titles with his Zen-like calm and enigmatic style.

   Next up is Ozzie Guillen. Arrogant and foul-mouthed in two languages, he took the White Sox to a World Series championship in 2005.

   Finally, there’s Joel Quenneville, the intense, scowling, steely-eyed skipper of the Blackhawks. Forty-nine years after the Hawks last won the Stanley Cup, he hoisted it in 2010 and did it again three years later.

The Reason

   So what do these diverse leaders have in common? What binding element has taken them to the pantheon of Chicago sports history?  As I said earlier, it’s as plain as the nose on your face, only a little lower. It’s the mustache.

   Granted, Ozzie Guillen wore a goatee, part of which is a mustache, so we could say any type of hair on the upper lip is the secret. Or could we?

   Dusty Baker led the Cubs tantalizingly close to the series in 2003 with that thing he sported under his nose. It just wasn’t enough. If there’s a standard length or hair count that qualifies a growth on the upper lip as a bona fide, genuine mustache, he didn’t meet it, and the Cubs’ glorious chance tragically evaporated in the League Championship Series.

   Ditka, Jackson, and Quenneville have manly, luxuriant mustaches and their records speak for themselves.

   The last Cubs manager to wear a mustache was Don Baylor from 2000-2002. He wasn’t here long enough for the mustache magic to work but it’s possible the residual effect is what brought the Cubs so close in 2003. Prior to that it was the immortal Frank Selee who, with his glorious handlebar, led the team from 1902-1905. It could be that his mustache effect carried over to Frank Chance and led him to his victories.

   So listen up, Joe Maddon. As the 60^th manager in Cubs history it’s all up to you. If you want to lead the Cubs to World Series glory, you know what you have to do. Keep the razor away from your upper lip and let that hair grow. It doesn’t matter if it’s a walrus ‘stache or a cookie duster. Just grow a real mustache during the 2015 season and a World Series championship will at long last make it back to the North Side. Then you, too, will be enshrined in the temple of Windy City sports legends.